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Is there a science to love?
In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Attachment theory forms the basis for many bestselling books on the parent/child relationship, but there has yet to be an accessible guide to what this fascinating science has to tell us about adult romantic relationships-until now.
Attachment theory owes its inception to British psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who in the 1950s examined the tremendous impact that our early relationships with our parents or caregivers has on the people we become. Also central to attachment theory is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship with one or more individuals is embedded in our genes.
In Attached, Levine and Heller trace how these evolutionary influences continue to shape who we are in our relationships today. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:
*ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.
*AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
*SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mates) follow. It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships more wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections.
- Sales Rank: #74829 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Tarcher
- Published on: 2010-12-30
- Released on: 2010-12-30
- Ingredients: Example Ingredients
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.26" h x 1.09" w x 6.32" l, 1.07 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 304 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Levine and social psychologist Heller, one™s adult romantic partnerships have patterns similar to those one has as a child with one™s parents. Our individual attachment styles are thus, they conclude, hardwired into our brains. Focusing on three main attachment styles (secure, anxious, and avoidant), the authors explain the biological facts behind our relationship needs, teach readers how to identify their own and loved ones™ attachment styles, and warn of the emotional price of connecting with someone with drastically different intimacy needs. Teaching readers communication skills to breach these differences, the authors stress that people have very different capacities for intimacy, and that partners must ensure each other™s emotional well-being. Chock-full of tips, questionnaires, and case studies, this is a solidly researched and intriguing approach to the perennial trials of œlooking for love in all the right places and improving existing relationships. (Jan.)
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
Review
"A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship."
-John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"Amir Levine and Rachel Heller have written a very smart book: It is clear, easy to read and insightful. It's a valuable tool whether you are just entering a relationship with a new partner or-as in my case--even after you've been married 21 years, and had thought you knew everything about your spouse."
-Mariette DiChristina, editor in chief, Scientific American
"Attached is a fascinating and enormously useful guide to one of life's most important ventures-finding and sustaining a secure, satisfying love relationship. Based on twenty-five years of research, laced with vivid and instructive examples, and enriched with interesting and well-designed exercises, the book provides deep insights and invaluable skills that will benefit every reader."
-Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California, Davis and Past President, International Association for Relationship Research
"Cinderella's prince passionately turned his kingdom upside down simply to find her perfectly shaped foot, and they lived happily ever after. This book is for the rest of us. Whether already in a relationship or prospecting, Attached is intended to coach the "you" part of "just the two of you". The authors have distilled years of attachment theory research on the nature of human relationships into a practical, highly readable guide, allowing it's users to prevent or untangle doomed relationships or predict and enhance those that will wear well and fit for a lifetime."
-John B. Herman, M.D., Associate Chief of Psychiatry and Distinguished Scholar of Medical Psychiatry, Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
"This book is both fascinating and fun. Attached will help every reader understand whom they are attracted to as partners, why, and what they can do to reach fulfillment in love. I enjoyed every moment."
-Janet Klosko, PhD., co-author of the bestselling Reinventing Your Life
"A practical, enjoyable guide to forming rewarding romantic relationships."
-Kirkus Reviews
About the Author
Amir Levine, M.D. is an adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He graduated from the residency program at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University and for the past few years Amir has been conducting neuroscience research at Columbia under the mentorship of Nobel Prize Laureate Eric Kandel. Amir also has a passion for working with patients and it is in this context, while working with mothers and children in a therapeutic nursery, that he first discovered the power of attachment theory. His clinical work together with his deep understanding of the brain from a neuroscientist’s perspective contribute to his appreciation of attachment theory and its remarkable effectiveness in helping to heal patients. Amir lives in New York City.
Rachel Heller, M.A. studied at Columbia University with some of the most prominent scholars in the field of social psychology. She now works with families and couples as a psychologist in private practice. Rachel lives in Israel.
Most helpful customer reviews
17 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Should be required reading!
By Paul McCloud
This book really should be required reading for anyone BEFORE they get into a relationship! I've recommended this book to many friends now and every time I recommend the book I make a joke about how humbling it was to read this book. Let me explain.
I've always considered myself, like most people probably do, to be a complicated, layered individual...unable to boxed in or defined by a particular group or belief system!....then I read this book. Never before had I stumbled upon a psychological model that better described my actions, both in and out of the relationship context. With this new found knowledge I was able to objectively identify, understand and eventually begin to correct certain destructive emotional and psychological patterns within the relationship context. That ability has been incredibly important in my most recent relationship...something that I probably would have stepped away from had I not read this book and understood my avoidant attachment style.
The reason I gave this four stars is because the book was so focused on individuals that were NOT in a relationship. My relationship is the classic avoidant & anxious combination. Yet we decided to leverage this new found knowledge to do the hard work necessary for us to achieve a secure / secure relationship! I do believe this is possible, though hard work, and I have seen results first hand in my relationship that support that theory. However, I would have loved to seen a greater portion of this book dedicated to exercises and tools that couples could use who are in the very situation that this book is encouraging you and teaching you to avoid when possible.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
life changing book for me!!!
By jlf
This is so relevant and easy to understand that I read it in 2 days. I can be a very anxious partner, afraid to say anything that might rock the boat. And I can be so anxious that my friend, who is pretty secure, becomes avoidant. "not this again, here we go again" is how he sometime feels witch my constant insecurity.
The 3rd day after getting the book, my friend was feeling stressed and was a tiny bit critical, and I do admit that what I said was poorly worded and warranted his response. but I was afraid this would become the new norm, even though 2016 has been a better year for us. So I told him that I read in the book that when I feel anxious, I need to deal with it by myself, so I could go play cards and he could go home and have some time for himself. He said that sounded good, and then added, "unless it can't be resolved." Because I hadn't been critical of him, he felt safe offering to listen.
The first 30 minutes was his monologue about his own issues that he argues with himself about. I wondered if I was going to get to talk at all! But he wasn't being critical about me, he needed to say all that stuff about himself and his issues, and then he felt safe enough to listen. I was able to minimize my comments from being critical, labeling them as my fears, things I didn't know how to respond to in a helpful way,etc. Many things, he said he could see why I felt that way, or why it was confusing. He did mentioned things he does for me because he cares, but he didn't feel defensive, it was a conversation. Since I didn't blame him for my insecurities, I could even say why some things didn't' seem fair without him feeling attacked. After 3 hours of super communication, we went out to for ice cream to celebrate.
And my challenge continues, as an intimacy junkie, I need to find ways to be intimate that make him feel good, not just intimate as in problem solving.
13 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
I absolutely love this book
By Amazon Customer
I absolutely love this book! As someone who is particularly cerebral and not always in touch with his emotions, I found that this book made sense out of MOST my emotional experience throughout my life. As someone with an anxious attachment style, it helped me understand who I was and am, and it let me know that my deepest need as a human being to connect with a special someone is indeed legitimate, as is my need to be reassured in the context of a relationship based on my not-so-ideal former experiences. This book has taught me not only how to have a relationship, even though I once believed I was doomed, and provided deep affirmation in the dark crevices of my heart where I thought no light could shine, it also taught me how to be more authentic in all aspects of life, winning friends and mentors along the way. I cannot highly recommend this book enough, and I have even purchased copies for friends and family. Even almost two years later, I find that I am STILL learning great things from this book, and it indeed distills the finest scholarship of attachment and professional advice on communication I have EVER read. Buy it!
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